Crushed
Sometimes the enemy, he wins a round.
Almost always, I am sitting quietly, enjoying the view from my mountaintop, wondering why more people don’t choose this bliss, when the lies begin.
Slowly at first, sliding down around me softly as I whistle a happy tune, I don’t even notice them.
real change is impossible, you know they whisper. you’re never going to get where you want to be.
Oblivious, I swat at them absentmindedly, little buzzing flies.
your past…it is full of error. you’ll never change, you can’t. God doesn’t really plan to use you.
Larger, and faster they pelt me, weighing me down before I realize what is happening.
you’re really kind of a failure they taunt. what do you have to feel so good about? Look around! Nothing you have done really matters.
Suddenly it’s a full-scale avalanche.
THERE IS NO USE TO ANYTHING. GIVE UP, GIVE UP NOW. BEFORE YOU MAKE THINGS WORSE.
The boulders bounce, calculated to crush and destroy.
HYPOCRITE. FAILURE. IDIOT. HOPELESS. DELUSIONAL. FOOL. GOD IS NOT BIGGER, HE IS NOT BIGGER, HE IS BIGGER FOR EVERYONE ELSE BUT YOU, YOU ARE THE EXCEPTION, YOU ARE THE ONE HE CANNOT HEAL, YOU ARE THE ONE HE CANNOT DO ANYTHING WITH. THE ONE. THE ONLY ONE. AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT. IT’S ALL, ALL, ALL YOUR FAULT. ALL OF IT.
And just like that, I am buried.
AND IT MAKES ME SO ANGRY, BECAUSE THE LIES, THEY ARE NOT JUST LIES, THEY ARE COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT.
AND I WILL SAY IT AGAIN BECAUSE IT IS THE TRUTH, THE TRUTH, THE GOD-HONEST TRUTH, EVEN IF IT IS MYSELF ALONE WHO NEEDS TO HEAR IT: THEY ARE BULLSHIT.
BULLSHIT.
BULLSHIT, SATAN. BULLSHIT. I CALL YOUR BLUFF.
And because God the Father knows I am dust and has compassion on me in my frailty and is mighty to save, because He takes great delight in me, He quiets me with His love, even under the rockslide of BULLSHIT. Even though I sat there and let it bury me. Even though so much of my life is failure, day in and day out, He loves me. He has a plan.
Even when everything around me is shaking with the force of the enemy’s wrath, even when all seems lost and nothing seems worthwhile, He is up to something.
Even when all hell breaks loose.
It breaks loose so I can break free.
Because He is good, though the battle is lost, the victory is mine.
Habakkuk 3:17-19
Psalm 103:13&14
John 8:44